Our Version of Events
by lissazara
Summary: Steve & Kono are in a relationship, that's stalling due to his reluctance to let her in to his worst fears.
1. Chapter 1

Author's notes:

A angst ridden fan fic inspired by Emeli Sande's stunning debut album - I'm telling you it has McKonno angst underlying every song. Set around mid-season 1 onwards, Steve and Kono are already in a relationship, but due to Steven's guarded-ness the relationship is struggling. Please bare with me, its my first fan-fic, hope it isn't too awful =/

**Maybe**

Kono's POV

Maybe things have been hard for a while now... he has changed, withdrawn, unable to brush things off and paste on a smile. I try to encourage him to talk to me, but my pleas fall on deaf ears. He seems to shy away from any personal conversations.

I can not exactly pinpoint the exact day he changed, but I'm sure the revelation of his Mother being murdered closely followed by the abduction of Mary sent him in to a tail spin. I mean ofcourse it would with anyone, thearpy would be required for most people. He's not most people, he believes he can cope with anything.

I know he is afraid of what else can happen to those he loves, and I am sure that is one of the reason's for his distancing himself from me.

We would spend most of our nights at his place, rarely would I find myself at mine, but recently without my knowing it's been the opposite, not in a obvious "I don't want you here anymore!" way, he just thought it would be a 'nice' change. He forgets that i can read him like a book, I am more sure it was because he wants to keep me a secret from those who may be looking to harm his family, not that we discuss it, that's not to say I haven't tried though!

He sleeps here most nights sometimes arriving while I am asleep, I awake to find him sitting in the chair opposite just watching me, with a look of concern.

Intimacy is rare, a smile, I mean a real smile is rare.. a kiss on the forehead and a hug is as close as it gets. I miss him so much, the closeness, the comfort he gave me at night after a particularly emotional case being woken in the middle of the night with gentle kisses and warm hands enveloping me bringing me closer a desperation to be connected after a night terror, feeling wanted, desired. I miss that. Now he wakes up in a cold sweat and vacates the house choosing to run the desperation away.

** All the signs seem to say love is lost**

** But I don't want to give up yet because**

Maybe it's time to try and talk about it with him once more, it never goes well, generally he leaves the conversation and I end up crying down by the beach. I'm not willing to give up on us, I know with all my heart he has always been what I needed. Even if I only get this version of him - will that be enough?

Fact is I'm hurting, he is hurting, we are not communicating, we're living different lives. At work it's different he laughs and pretends this are good, we act professional, fall into the normal pattern of Rookie & Boss. At home... silence returns.

** Maybe you could stay a bit longer**

** Or I could try abit harder**

** We could make it work**

** But maybe we should stop pretending**

** We both know we're hurting**

** Maybe it's time to go**

So it's done, I hate fighting especially when there is no making up to be done. I mentioned that we couldn't go on like this, that I loved him so much but his unwilligness to let me in, when all i wanted was us to be able to talk openly without him feeling i was interrigating him was not helping. I told him I felt unneccessary in his life, he barely looked in my direction in our private life and any signs of love were seldom recipricated by him. I was expecting something an admittance of guilt an offer to try harder. Nothing all I got was "I think your right" and he left.

I was too stunned to say anything as I saw the door close behind him, replaying what i said did he not hear me say I wanted to make it work and that I loved him? Was it not enough?

Apparently me on the beach soothing myself with the sounds of the waves to get my breathing under control would dictate not.

I recall getting up from the beach and making my way back to the house when dawn came and the coolness surround me. I somehow made it my couch re-playing the drama over and over in my head looking at your bags by the door, that i gathered after you left. The level headed professional in my wanted to clear out straight away, we had to work with eachother after all. I hear the key turn in the door, not relizing that I have been crying, I struggle to recognize who it is with a blurry vision. My heart stills, the butterflies in my stomach return.

** Have you had a change of heart?**

** Can we go back to the start?**

He gathers me in his arms and apologizes over and over and over again, punctuated with kisses that make me light headed. He leads me to the bedroom, questions still unanswered, worries and concerns still left hanging in the air. I don't care right now, I'm in his arms, for the first time in weeks he is showing me that he loves me too.

** Maybe we could make this work.**


	2. Chapter 2

Authors notes:

Thankyou for reading and reviewing, I get what they mean about reviews being a drug, "Memo to self" must review more often!" I'm afraid more angst is heading their way! I admit I'm not good at the conversations, so for now I'm going to be sticking to mainly point of view's until I gain a little more confidence. I hope someone likes it though, If nothing else it's theraputic! Btw all chapter headings are titles from said Album, would urge you to check them out, may make more sense!

**Suitcase**

Kono's POV

Well we managed a couple of weeks of dodging the White Elephant in the room, I was too scared to approach the subject, and in the meantime he made an effort to be the attentive boyfriend I had been missing. It was foolish of me to believe that putting my head in the sand a little longer would make up for what was about to happen. I knew it wouldn't be indefinately, I'd hoped, but his eyes spoke volumes when his lips failed to do so. The comfort of being with him, even the little there was, was enough.

I wake to find his side of the bed empty, a draw open, the wardrobe slightly ajar, this doesn't bode well. I race down stairs, tears stinging my eyes but refusing to fall until more proof is found.

He's there with his suitcase sitting by the door, waiting for me to wake.

** Please somebody tell me what's going on**

** My baby's got a suitcase**

He can't look at me in the eye, his head hanging low. Looking at the keys to the house in his hands.

My silent tears are falling, this is final, this looks final... he has packed the suitcase, not me, he did, he thought about it and made a clear and precise decision to pack his things and walk. If anything this hurts more as it is not a whim it is premeditated.

I try to reason with him that I am here for him, that I want to make this work, that whatever I have done to cause this drastic decision I'll rectify it striaght away. What happend, why now, what suddnely changed, I thought that we understood we would work whatever it was out in time. He tell's me "It's too late".

** 'Cause all I did was love him**

** But I can't stop him walking**

I try to grab him, to touch him, to feel a connection with him to reassure him I don't want this... Whatever this is. He shifts to stand and in a low voice says "Don't touch me. Get out the way". "What changed so quickly Steve?", I ask in a broken voice, all to aware this conversation is invain. I just want him to be open with himself, I can gather the reasons, they've been building for sometime. I know it's not another women, or because he no longer loves me but to hear him validate my fears would make me breath without hitching.

**Will someone tell me what's going on tonight**

** My baby's got a suitcase**

** Please don't ask me why**

He unclips the key from the chain and leaves it by the door, I urge him to keep it, just in case, all the team have copies after all. A part of me realizes he needs to give it back if he's ever to make this decision final. Final. I hate that word right now so much. In my anger, frustration, hurt, fears, I call out as he opens the door to go. ""Did you ever Love me?" I know the answer all to well, and to be fair that does give some comfort, I just want to cause a reaction in him. All I get is a slight pause as he steps over the threshold to leave and in a mumbled broken tone, barely audible I hear "I do very much".

**I can't stop my heart leaving through the door**

** I can't unpack my heart 'cause he won't look at me anymore**

The door closes and I crumble to the ground, realizing that I can do no more, but wait, hope, stay strong, bide my time, pray that he will return once more... One Day.

For now, for tonight, for the rest of the weekend I'll allow myself to let my heart take over, for the tears to fall freely in the hope that they and sleep will numb the pain of my heart breaking.


	3. Chapter 3

Authors notes:

It's 1am, and now i decided it's a great time to continue with the fic... the past 3 weeks I've been listening to the album, sitting in Starbucks making notes on napkins of what i'd do if i was brave enough to write something. And now I decide it's a great time to put fingers to keyboard, it's like being at school and last minute late night homework all over again. I'm still going with the Angst and Kono's POV... by hook or by crook this will be a happy ending though, pretty sure anyway! Thanks again for those who have already had a read, I hate that the chapters are so small, nothing thrills me more when i see 2,000 words at the bottom of a kono/steve fanfic, maybe this will be the one, although at this time of night i seriously doubt it!

**Heaven**

Kono's POV

Monday comes around to soon, the weekend not surprisingly was bust! I barely moved from the front door in the glimmer of hope he would return.

The key by the door taunted me, the sun shining a spot light on it, seemed a little to far. It was the trigger I needed to stand and hurl it in the fireplace. With a determined look in the mirror above said fireplace and pasted smile I groaned and moved to set balls in motion for what would undoubtedly be a horrendous week/fortnight/month/year/ please god not a decade!

I was still unsure how I was going to cope sharing the same space with him, even knowing what I firmly believed to be true, that he loved me, and was choosing this 'route' in some mistaken belief that I would be safe. None the less, my heart felt like it was wheezing every time I thought about various scenarios that could occur and how I would be able to react with him in them.

It was still early, with enough time to go for a quick surf, I'd not managed to leave the house in 2 days, I allowed myself to accept what I was feeling, but now, now it was time to clear my head and the only medicine I knew was catching one big wave and riding it back to the shore. To know that I was able to succeed at something would give me enough confidence for the the upcoming day.

**I try to keep my heart beat**

** But I can't get it right**

I still manage to be a few minutes early, flipping punctuality gene! I take the time to sit in my car and regulate my breathing, calm my nerves, talk to the butterflies in my stomach. Repeat the mantra "I can do this, all will be fine". I step out of the car with the offices in sight and raise my head to sky hoping someone is hearing my pleas today. "9 - 5 Kono, 8 hours, hopefully paperwork filled in your office hiding". Deep breaths as I open the door, Chin and Danny raise their heads from the respective desks and smile, unaware of my inner turmoil right now. I falter as his office comes into sight, not that I have even spotted him! My body seems to be ushering me into the bathroom, the need to settle my breathing and stop the stinging in my eyes deems neccessary.

** Something's gone inside me**

** And I can't get it back**

Where did the tears come from? "Crap!" I allow myself time to calm, I knew this day was going to be bad, the others will be better. I refresh my face and exit, heading straight to my office. Keeping my eyes down, no eye contact - good idea.

I look around my office, pictures of us celebrating various cases, awards or just hanging out. I have no recollection putting half of these up or on my desk. They all seem to look at me in a way that leaves me sick to the pit of my stomach, I place the few around the desk in the draw, I realize if i started taking the others down it would just draw attention, I would just have to blank them out or make up a "New Frame" fitting excuse, when it becomes to excrutiating.

Thankfully my paperwork is piled high, and if it is possible I have even more, perhaps He assumed that would be the right thing to do all things considered. Even when things are at there worst he is still trying to think of me, make it as easier as possible.

I've managed to stay in my office all day, Chin saw I was busy and brought me lunch, always stalwart and true.

By the end of the day I begin to count down the minutes before i can leave.. I feel like I'm in school waiting for the bell to go edging of my seat as each passing second comes. The need to return to the waves and forget the day laying heavily on my mind.

**I wait with good intentions**

** But the day always lasts too long**

I race out of the office, yell to anyone in the vicinity I'm gone. I jump in my car and drive, breathing in the ocean air for a feeling of calmness to return. Barely remember to put my car into Park before i'm ripping of my top and shorts, grabbing my board and heading out for a marathon surf. I sit on the board gaining a sense of energy from the sea, a feeling of peace comes over me, determined to feel renewed to get on with this chapter of my life the quicker the better. Keeping my cheerful countenance, and my real emotions in check close to my broken heart.

**Will you recognize me**

** Or have I lost another friend?**

** Will I accept you've left me?**

** Oh will you give me one more try again?**

The sunsets on my last wave, the desire to stay out longer is strong, but I promise to return to my faithful ocean, that seldom lets me down or abandons me tomorrow and the next day and the next day, for I believe I need her more than she needs me right now. The dread of returning to my home is one I've been putting off, and yet still the pang of self loathing I feel when I desperately wish to see Him by the door fills me with hope. He's not, I knew he would'nt but hope is a bright flame that seldom dies.

My appetite is little to non-exsistent I choose to re-arrange my room, I can't sleep in it as it is, too many memories. Burning the bed would be over kill, so shifting it to another corner seems a little less extreme. I plan to re-decorate at the weekend. I need to keep busy afterall, I need to fill me days from now on with new things, new adventures, new hobbies. For now though, tonight I'll try to sleep, I've never realised how much my room smells of Him, even with my windows open and clean bedding the smell of him only comforts me.

**Oh Heaven, Oh Heaven**

** I wait with good intentions**

** But the day always lasts to long**

With sleepless nights comes Morning too soon, I don't have nightmares, just a general feeling of unsettledness, that causes me to toss and turn and then the alarm wakes me to soon. So I do what I do best, what I've done every day this week. I force myself out of bed, down the stairs out the door to the waves. In the hope that the calmness will settle me for the day. Don't get me wrong the days have drawn themselves out, and I'll be glad to see tomorrow, when I won't have to worry about bumping into him or find myself over annalyzing everything he has just said to the team and wether it was a personal message to me. He's managed to keep eye contact to a minimal with me, knowing that he would see the hurt in my eyes and set us both back no doubt. A case we caught Wednesday was delt with swiftly, I was with Chin as usual and driving so Chin was left to field calls from Him most of the time, where possible I took up the background slack in the hopes if everything was available and in plain sight he would not need to ask for anything. In point of fact I was going beyond the call of duty, trying to expect his next move and be prepared. He was cordial, thanking me when the need dictated, the odd quick smile. Thursday he had to stop himself from patting me on the shoulder which was awkward for us both, thankfully my phone came through and thus I made my excuses to go to my sanctuary aka my office where he dared not to enter. Don't get me wrong there were times in the week where I would find myself leaning heavily against the bathroom door, trying to stop the tears from spilling, they had begun to catch me off guard, when I least expected them, something would trigger them and I would have to race to the Bathroom or jump in my car. Who knew 8 hours, 5 days a week would take so much out of me. My love for 4.59pm had never been stronger though.

**Then I'm Gone**

** Then I'm Gone**

** You say that you're away**

** I try but always break**

** Cause the day always last to long**

** Then I'm Gone**

** Then I'm Gone**


	4. Chapter 4

Authors notes:

Part of me wants to complete the whole story by the end of the weekend, but then it will be complete and my life will return to normal. No more day dreaming, my muse will have done her job, and I would have to go in search of other inspiration. I'm torn, for now I'll continue, in the hopes the lyrics will guide me to a suitable place that both suits the characters and the storyline.

This chapter is place a couple of weeks later, Jenna Kaye is now around and Steve is a little more on edge what with all the envelopes etc. Hoping this all makes sense and you are able to bare with me.

Thanks for reading and for the positive comments, you are so generous and kind. Enjoy!

**Clown**

Kono's POV

If a stranger was to look at me, I am sure they would see a strong confident person sitting here. I women in control of her destiny, a strong women able to cope with her demanding job, in a career populated with mainly men. I guess in that way, I am succeeding in keeping it all in. Everything is still so fresh in my mind, if left to dwell I easily am able to spiral out of control. That said I am getting good at checking myself at the entrance to the office... how i choose to deal with This at home is fine, but here, here I have to pretend everything is hunky dory.

I enter to hear laughing at the station table, not unusual, Danny can banter with the best of them. And I can deal with that, I can pretend to laugh also, what I struggle with is seeing Steve laugh and seem relaxed. In my mind I figured, no I hoped that once I saw that it would be a signal of My Steve returning back to me. No, he's still not my Steve. I head to my office and wait for news of a case. Today is not a day I can banter... it's not been a day like that for a while.

**I guess it's funnier from where you're standing**

** 'Cause from over here I've missed the joke**

It amazes me that even though we work together and there are only 4 sorry with Jenna here 5, he is still able to manage to keep his contact with me to a minimal, our only dicussions tend to be with the group around the table. I see him watching me occassional checking where am so he can choose an alternative route. The awkward run in in the store cupboard the other day stopped us in our tracks. He froze when I opened the door like he was a rabbit caught in the headlights. I stuttered and mumbled "Sorry wrong room!" - those post it's could wait. I thought I heard him call my name as the door closed, but I couldn't be sure, and was to afraid to re-open it if i was mistaken. He didn't come after me so I figured it was in my head.

**I'd be smiling if I wasn't so desperate**

** I'd be patient if I had the time**

My days are spent always busy, by the end of the day I am always exhausted, but they also seem so long and time is always found to dwell on other things not pertinant to the case and to behonest things that I alone can not fix. I often find myself looking out of my office window, seeing them all out there together, wondering how the world can keep on turning, how no one has really picked up that everything has changed. Chin knows something has changed, but knows that I'll bring it up in my own time. I figure he has enough on his plate and what use would it do anyway. It's my own fault, I knew who I was getting involved with. Our eyes meet fleetingly when Danny mentions something which makes him laugh, the laugh reaches his eyes and he must see hope in my eyes, because just as quickly as it appeared it leaves and he looks away.

**So I'll be your clown**

** Behind the glass**

** Go 'head and laugh 'cause it's funny**

** I would too if I saw me**

I guess in a way it's a greiving process, by my calculations I'm at angry, frustrated, annoyed at myself for still holding on to the torch. I find the smallest things set me off, I've taken to using pencils at my desk, the joy of snapping them seems to satisfy me somewhat when I see him smile or joke. Lunch times I tend to find myself tucked away at the far end of the shooting range, the release fills another void. Surfing is still my Master though, the need to race from the office at 5 ever the sole joy in my life. A couple of hours spent planning my next route, which is stupid I know thoughts of running, leaving abandoning my position are not things I could ever do. Whatever turns out they are my Ohana. I've felt unrequited love before, and although this not the same, I know what he is doing and why he is doing it and perhaps when this Wo Fat is caught we will be able to be reunited. For now though I promise myself to get out of this rut to move on slightly to do better to intergrate, before the quizzical looks from Danny and Chin turn into and intervention of some kind.

**From a distance my choice seems simple**

** From a distance I can entertain**

** So you can see me I put makeup on my face**

** But there is no way you can see it **

** From so far away**

Day 1, new outfit, smile pasted on my face, hair looking pretty darn good if I do admit it myself. Smokey eyes always help boost my confidence undercover, and after all isn't this what it is, all an act? I'm early as usual, no one is in. I walk around the office, I don't let myself do this nowadays just incase I walk into him. Today I spot new additons to walls, new gadgets, my memory recalls moments of times gone past, looks, smiles, touches. A smile approaches my face, my fingers reach my lips as if I need proof myself that one is there. Will this be enough for the time being, memories? I hear footsteps, but rather than retrace my steps back to my office I decide that the new me will wait by the table with this smile greeting my Ohana.

**My life's a circus-circus rounding circles**

** I'm selling out tonight**


	5. Chapter 5

Authors notes:

Ok so this chapter is loosely based around the season finale/ 1st episode of season 2 ish!

Thanks for reading and for the positive comments, you are so generous and kind. Enjoy!

**Breaking the Law**

Kono's POV

It's been a rough few weeks for the team, Danny's near death experience was enough to jolt me back to reality. Thoughts raced through my mind of what we all could of lost, my thoughts ofcourse ran to Him what if. I was hoping I'd of heard from him one of those nights, just a check in, just a note to say he cared. I knew he was bottling his fears up, and the desire to press call on my phone at 3 in the morning after a vivid dream of what could of been would always end with me heading down to the kitchen and starting the day.

Danny returned to work fairly soon, it was so quite for the days he was recouperating, I forgot how much noise that small Jersey guy made, and I missed it so much, it diluted my day. So to have him back, brought high spirits back for us all, alas it didn't last long.

Sang Min. He was the domino the triggered what could only be described as a fall out. Steve was on high alert, determined to finish what he had begun all those months ago. I admit to having a glimmer of hope, that this would all be behind us soon, the taste of victory was close. We had an alley of sorts, feeding him info, questions were getting answered. He would look at me almost the way he used, like a recall of what had been, and possiblity to having it returned, a calming smile would be there of a promise not quite forgotton.

**When you need to smile**

** But you can't afford it**

Discussion's were being had around the table when the explosion occured, I recall a hard wall of muscle descend upon me, but as soon as He was there he was up again inspecting the rest of the team. It was enough, while in shock and disbelief of what had a just occured to know that his natural instincts to protect me at all costs were still his prime aim, and that is what I needed to be re-confirmed, something to hold onto in the following dark days. I new resolve, to do whatever it takes to protect him also, to help him to find his way through.

Laura Hills, another innocent lost to the cause, I knew this triggered his downward spiral, I realised this may be the time to reason with him once more, before things got out of hand. He wasn't listening to Danny and his phrase of him being a "Benevolent Dictator" confirmed my words would go on deaf ears. All I could do was plead with my eyes that he would be careful, that he wouldn't do anything foolish, that he would return safe.

He's on the run, he's been set up. My concerns for the burnt money found seems of little consequence right now. The man I love is being hunted down, and yet still refusing to give in, give up the fight to clear his name and put the man responsible and the govener behind bars. I try to keep track of him, Kama Kona lets us know he's been his way. I sense I know what he's thinking, what I would do.

**When your taking steps**

** But you need to go faster**

My worry for him keeps me busy, there are rumours abound HPD that evidence is being accumilated for a case against me. I come to the conclusion the end of the day won't end the way we both thought. The office is clear, is abandoned. Who knows when we will be here again, Danny had plans to go back to Jersey but is currantly going out of his mind with worry for Steve's safety. Chin's calmness and rationality has him making the decision to work from the inside. Jenna looks like a fish out of water. And me, me well I find myself sitting in the back of a Police Car heading for the precint, and still my mind is filled with worry for Steve. I can handle what is coming my way, I knew what I was doing, what the possible outcome may be, I'll take one for the team, one thing less for Him to worry about.

**I'll never stop Breaking the Law for you**

** I'll never stop helping to pull you through**

I'm having my finger prints taken, I know they'll confirm what I already know, not that I am going to make it any easier for them. I can't help but blame them for what has gone down, for their blindness in just taking the word of flimsy evidence setting up Steve, listening to the Governor and behaving just as lackies. The best decision I ever made was to agree to join 50, sure the last few months have been hell, but we are still Ohana and sure we smudge the lines, but the good always win and the bad guys seldom get away.

I hear commotion behind me as they bring someone in. It's Him, he's been brought in, my heart leaps to my throat, he looks rough and disorintated. He manages to focus on me, confused at what he see's, my eyes show him compassion and understanding and Love, oh please, let him see that they show him Love. I can't move, his eyes are the first to break the trance between us as mug shots are taken. Im dragged away to a holding cell, unsure of where we both will end up or if we will ever be in the same room again.

**Ignore the alarms, Ignore the Police**

** I'll never stop Breaking the Law for you**

A week has passed, I was granted bail until I.A have completed their investigation. My home may as well be Prison, Solitary confinement, 50 is closed, Danny is struggling to keep it together, juggline a disbanded home life and his best friend locked up for a crime he didn't commit. Chin doing his stalwart best to gather information to prove his innocence even though Danny refuses to believe him entirely that he is on their side. Me? All I want to do is see Steve, which won't happen, he barely lets Danny visit him. Danny promises me that he is doing well and staying out of trouble and asks about me and my I.A. case and how I'm coping. How did we get to this sorry state of affairs, I knew life wasn't going to be simple in the Task Force, but 5 months ago.. where we are now, relationships, careers, jail time would not be something i could ever imagined.

The news of Steve being attacked by Victor Hess and then being on the run has me more worried, we all know a prisoner on the run is a shoot first scenario, and if he's injured he's going to be easier to spot and give chase to. I race to others, demanding we help, not for one minute thinking about my own investigation and what helping would do to my career, it may well be in tatters now anyway so who cares! Danny said he hasn't contacted them for a reason, he doesn't want us involved or to be charged for aiding and abetting. Chin mention's if He plans to run after Wo Fat a wallet he picked at the earlier funeral of the Governer may help.

**When taking steps but you need to go faster**

** We can speed through streets**

** So the shadows can't catch ya**

I do the research required to find out where Wo Fat is, I follow them and try to keep a watchful eye, I hear Max has found Him in his home, the relief that you are alive and currantly safe is allowed to wash over me for a short while. Things are going to be fine, the team is doing all it can to clear Him to re-organize oursleves back to the way it once was. I thought I was being cautious, keeping a distance, sadly not enough, I've been found and dragged to the boat. Wo Fat recognizes me and call's me by name, to be honest, although I say I'm not that flattered, I'm kinda impressed I'm on his radar. Steve won't be though. I half hope this doesn't end well so I don't get the intense stares from him later, another part of me feels it will be a little release to the torture my life has been since the seperation and in a sense of "Look Steve even distancing yourself from me didn't work did it huh?" He leaves me to his henchmen, I'm stuffed in a trunk, heading to who knows where. Atleast it gives me time to think how I'm going to react. The henchmen doesn't see it coming, it's amazing what a bit of adrenaline, frustration and anger does to me. I call Chin and head down to the harbour, to meet them, I recognize the familiar butterflies in my stomach, mixed with a rush of being on a case but the nerves of seeing Him, I wasn't sure I would be seeing him for a while. The need to embrace him is already strong I spot him, but his game face is already on, and a plan is deployed.

**I'll never stop Breaking the Law for you**

** I'll never stop Helping to pull you through**

We're back at the office sitting around the break room, smiles and relief in abundance. I feel awkward being here, being suspended and without a badge, his only words to me are a reasurrace of it won't be long and that they would still need me. I take that as a personal message, that He still needs me, and is unwilling to lose me. We all settle for waiting what next happens. I pretend that all is back to normal, but can't help but feel that things are not likely to be that simple for me. Sometimes it's hard to act that things will be fine. The truth is I'm guilty, and no amount of surfing or sitting at the table drinking beer will alter that. But for now I get comfort from seeing Him out of Prison and reinstated. Wo Fat gone, for the time being but a feeling of some kind of peace has settled here. This will have to do for a while.


	6. Chapter 6

Authors notes:

I.A and time go solo aka so the angst continues, less be honest she had some rough months, bless her!

**Read all about it**

Kono's POV

Suspension sucks, trying to keep busy -next to impossible, although I've been practicing enough the past few months. My knee is weak from the extra surfing, but not willing to let that stop me, it's the one thing that brings me to life at the moment.

A week of silence since our gathering, I knew that this is how it had to be, but none the less it's so much harder. Chin has popped round practically every day, knowing the pressure I'm under, the worry and concern that eats away at you in times of doubt. The difference is he was innocent... me - not so much. Thought's fly through my head of what I'm going when my badge is taken, can I really stay here on this island and deal with no Job, dissappointed faces of family, already having delt with the Chin fall out, now I have brought the name into disrepute. I feel sick, nauseous, desperate for comfort for someone to take me in there arms and say it's just been a terrible dream.

** You've got the words to change a nation**

** But your biting your tongue**

** You've spent a life time stuck in silence**

** Afraid you'll say something wrong**

I stare at the television watching Fryer smuggly say I'm bad and that he has cleaned up the Police department, from another good cop gone bad.

In moments of anger I wish to yell I'm innocent, this is a terrible mistake. I wouldn't be here unless He hadn't of been involved. Chin would never of been in danger, the money would never of been stolen, I would never of lost my badge. That said He wouldn't be here, I wouldn't of spent the most amazing time in 50, I can't blame Him without regretting what I would miss also.

**I wanna sing, I wanna shout**

** I wanna scream till the words dry out**

** So put it in all the papers**

** I'm not afraid**

Fryer has offered me a break, a promise of my badge back, a threat of harming the rest of 50 if I don't comply. There's no question, screw the badge, but my Ohana, whatever it takes. I've dealt with danger, comes with the job afterall right? It feel's different though this time, no comforting words in my ear, saying "I'm right here, I've got you covered." I never thought I would miss that soo much. I hate who I have become... this character I'm portraying, unsympathetic, uncaring. I hate pushing Chin aware, I know what it feels like to be pushed away, and to do it to him, the one guy in my life I have trusted, loved unconditional, who always rescued me without hesitation. To see his face when I ask him to leave me alone, barely keeps me focused on the plan ahead. Moments of doubt creep in when I have down time, can I pull this off? Am I going to get my family back after this? Will it be worth it in the end? Will He realize I did this for him?

**You've got a heart as loud as lightening**

** So why let your voice be tamed?**

My roll I'm playing is to be subserviant, a lacky, the kind that I hate, that grates against everything I believe in. I hate that I can't raise my voice and opinion and getting things sorted sooner, so that I can return home. Fryer wants to take this slow, he's worked to hard on this to mess it up by rushing into it. He needs me to be trusted and with trust we know that takes time. Time. Another word that I hate. I spend my days driving around with the scum of the earth, all believing that there were dealt a harsh hand by Fryer and I.A. They love having me in there group though, the eye candy appeal I guess. I hold my own, their aware arms would be broken if they tried anything.

Each evening I still feel the need to have a hot shower and scrub away the grime. Surfing to clear the cobwebs, to pretend, I'm still on the circuit, anywhere but here right now, alone, forgotton, undesired, unloved, under appreciated. Here in the middle of the Ocean I can let the tears fall freely, no worries of bugs or hidden cameras or wires here. Just me and my fears and my vulnerabilty allowed to appear for a brief moment, before my character has to return.

**Baby we're a little different there's no need to be ashamed**

** You've got the light to fight the shadows, so stop hiding it away**

Chin's been following me, I knew he would, I couldn't spot him, but I felt him, I know he's keeping it from the team though, he doesn't want to realize his greatest fears have been released. He'll just keep watching, protecting the best he knows how. Offering help, a shoulder to cry on, a way out, anything for his Cuz.

He's not the only one concerned, regular messages on my machine from Danny, checking up telling me about his day, always ending in the same statement "keep your chin up". It hurts that He hasn't contacted me, I'm sure he believes that this is all his fault and that I don't want any part of him anymore, and thus keeping his distance is his way of giving me time. I'm hoping it's that and not that it is 'out of sight, out of mind' . That's not him I know that.. right? It's been a while since I've been with him, since we were together, when things were good, I'm beginning to forget how things were, how he was. So much going on a struggle to juggle whats reality and whats not.

Even Malia popped by, the women I have spent years hating, her concern for me scares me. Her love for me is there, is unconditional just like Chin. It's hard to be this way, I stuggle to live with myself for who I have become.

A call comes before I break infront of her and confess, my character appears and I leave.

Great! things have taken a turn for the worse I'm driving with a dead guy... this is not how I saw this going down. The lights of Danny's car flashing behind me. What can do I but run.

**Yeah we're all wonderful, wonderful people**

** so when did we get so fearful?**

I see His car heading towards me, part of me wants to just hope for the best and keep driving, anything is better than what will happen next, but then a voice in my head says calmly. 'This is good, it's time, you've carried it as far as you could, let them help.'

I break and stop. His eyes are cold and calculated, his gun straight out the holster trained on me. My heart sinks to see his finger flitting between the trigger. Common sense tells me there is a criminal in the car also and maybe it's just a safety precaution and not particularly trained at me. He orders me out of the car. Adreneline, panic and confusion starts to disipate listening to his orders being barked, the young agent grabs my wrists and books me, my replacement seems scared, perhaps that I may suddenly lash out. I want to put her mind at ease, to put them all at ease, but this isn't my job, I can't do anything to ruin this op anymore than I already have.

He places me in the back of his car, tells the others to meet us back at the office. My head stays down, I feel my hands still sticky from blood, my heart pumping 10 to the dozen, my mind working overtime about what is gonna happen. Will he pull over the car, pull me out and kiss me passionately and apologize for all thats happened, that he will do all in his power to get me back to 50 to us once more? Yep I've become dillusional, that's what happens when you've spent too much time on your own recently. He just drives fast and somewhat recklessly while staring at me in the mirror. He's angry I see that when I dare to look up once. Angry, an emotion, that's good right?

**Now we're finally finding our voices**

** I'm not afraid.**


	7. Chapter 7

Authors notes:

Interrogations, silence, hope, frustration reunited with team, still with the angst I'm afraid. =p

**Hope**

Kono's POV

These rooms really arn't that great, chairs cold and uncomfortable, wish I wore something different this morning. Being back at headquarters, even down here is somewhat soothing... like the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel Hope for the first time in months, It's funny that I'm almost wishing for the old days of just having to deal with hiding in my office and crying in the bathroom.

**I hope that the world stops raining**

** Stops turning its back on me**

** See nobody here is blameless**

** I hope that we can fix all that we have done**

On arrival He had taken me from the car and still with handcuffs on took me through the main door, his way of letting me know he was still angry at what I had done. Once inside he released the cuffs he held my hands and inspected them my wrists were sore, but all he could see was the dry blood, I'd like think he was checking to see it wasn't my own. He grabbed my arm and pulled me into the bathroom allowing me to clean up. He didn't leave just lean't agains the door, arms folded staring at me in the mirror. I scrubbed at the blood, and tried to sooth my wrists under the taps. The tension in there was unbearable, recollections of our last fights brought to mind the same feeling, he must of picked up on it also as he straightened himself up grabbed some towels and turned the tap off, ushering me out. Was it wrong to lean in to him, to appreciate his touch even as rough as it was? He pushed me down on the chair and paced the floor for what seemed like hours.

**I'm hoping that change isn't hopeless**

** I'm hoping to start it with me**

He was struggling to find words where to begin, part of me was glad that this was taking so long, as it gave Fryer time to figure out where I may be and let me help finish up the Op and hopefully save the Lady. Steve stopped and stared afew times, raised his hand to his head I guess in the hopes to refresh himself, the sight before him something he never thought he would have to deal with. If it wasn't me in this situation I would smile at the Irony. He came to a halt behind the apposing chair leaning against it and stared at me for what seemed like hours, when it just was seconds. His face drained his eyes looking for something familiar in my own, I refused to look at him, I couldn't, He'd know, He'd see, I'd break. I tried to put my game face on, recall reason's why I was so angry with him, why I had every right to not let him in. He had had his chance to show support, I no longer needed it now, I had I.A. for back up. I could feel my resolve building back up, giving me strength for a while longer atleast. "I wanna help you Kono Okay?" I heard his low gravelly voice break through my thoughts, his eyes looking for a way in. I choose to keep eye contact at a minimal choosing the wall as a better object to defer to .."I really wanna help you, you got help me help you, you gotta tell me what's going on." Desperation in his tone, Why? Was it just me, or the case he was more concerned about. I recall mumbling "I can't", "I CAN'T?" I hear the almightly crash of the chair being lifted and thrown back down, I look up and see anger in his eyes, which in return reflect my own frustration at this "Listen to me, that's not good enough, I can't is not good enough. Because today your driving in a getaway car with a dead person in the front seat Okay Kono?" His voice slowly raises as he comes around from the chair and comes closer, perhaps to intimidate me a little perhaps to attempt to shake me into submission ..."This isn't a game we're talking about two murders, I mean what were you thinking Kono Huh?" "Steve", Chin who is in the background chims in seeing that Steve is losing his cool tries to settle him down ..."I mean what happened to you?" "STEVE" Chin warn's louder "WHAT?", He knows he has crossed a line and steps back, it gives me time to let the words settle in. "What happened to me?" inside I smirk, what a good question, oh to be able to unleash all my frustrations on him at this moment, to pin him against the wall and give him some home truths, but no only he gets to be angry.

**Louder, I cannot hear you**

** How can things be better left unsaid?**

Chin comes to sit by me, here comes the hardest part, I know with him I can break, he offers me once more unconditional support, what ever I may or may not of done, he would always be with me, never leave. Part of me wishes that Steve is taking notes at how easy it is to say and mean these words. It break's my heart to shut down infront of Chin again, hoping against hope that this will be the last time I ever have to push him away, I feel my eyes stinging from tears ready to fall. Thankfully Fryer arrives, and my relief is evident in my face. Realisation dawns on Chin and Steve at what has happened, the feeling of vindication feels good. The anger and upset towards them thinking the worst still lies heavily with me. I hear Fryer and Steve's conversation in the corridor while also trying to appease Chin, I figured he would get it, after all it was no less than what he did. He was angry, but realized I learn't from the best. He still doesn't trust Fryer, he knows he was partners with Delano, this brings Steve in, concern written on his face. I know Fryer had alterior motives to use be, but Im hear now and want to help finish this investigation. The men argue over what do, for the safety of me, which in it's self it ironic to hear come from Steve after all this time, realizing all his actions to keep my safe and brought me here, I know he can't help but feel to blame, and part of me thinks that is a good thing. The sooner he figures out he can't control everything the easier his life and those around him will be. It doesn't warm my heart to hear him fighting for me, for so long I have had doubts about that side of him. "Why does it have to be Kono?" "What did you do Fryer huh?, what did you do to co-erse Kono to come work for you? Did you tell her you'd come after me after Chin?" I hear his voice catch as he says "We opened fire on her today, we could of killed her, I would never do that." Of the times, I have been waiting for him to say anything to me to say something meaningful, personal about me, part of me feel's disappointed that it came to this situation. The decision is made, I'm going back in, with 50 cover. I place a smile on my face as the plans are set in motion, being around the table in the Office doesn't quite feel right, not quite home. He keeps his eyes trained on me as he tries to gain some control of the case. I throw him a bone " Couldn't ask for better back up", I don't feel it's sincere as they do, but hope it will be enough to satisfy for a while.

**I hope we still have a heartbeat**

** I hope we don't turn to snow**

I'm in the bank, regulating my breathing, while also trying to reassure Trisha, I managed to push her to the lift before being caught by Delano and hit in the arm by a bullet. Relief floods my mind as I know this is over. I crumble to the ground and take in the wreckage of the past couple of months. I'm exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally. Hope keep me alive right now, that this hasn't all been in vain. That my badge will finally be returned, that I will once again have my career, that I won't be as alone as I have been for much longer. I step out of the Bank into the embrace of my cousin, trying to hold it in, not show my vulnrability even with him, he knows though, he senses my fears and just hugs me tighter and tells me it's all going to be ok. I see Steve approaching Fryer shortly followed by a swift right hook to the chin. "No one messes with my team", - no one but you Steve anyway. I dutifully follow the team to the Office, but make my excuses before they enter. It's been a rough day, my badge is technically not in my hand. It's best I go. Danny hugs me, and tells me he is glad to have me back, Chin looks at me and tells me he will be along in the morning. Lori nods & smiles, still a little unnerved by me I think, and they enter. Steve holds the door open, looks at me, trying to find words to express what he's feeling. Yep, somethings still never change. "I'll see you tomorrow?" I give him a firm nod, and tired smile and retreat back to the confines of my home, the safety of my room the comfort of my sheets wrapped around. I'll give myself the night to flush the emotion away. Tomorrow is another day, a new start, a new team, a different format, one that will no doubt will take some getting used to, but for tonight I'll cry for hope lost, gained and returned.

**At night when you turn the lights**

** I hope you don't cry alone**


	8. Chapter 8

Authors notes:

I few weeks have passed, the team are working as best as could be expected. She's trying her best to move on, to make the best of the situation working with her - ex who choose to believe the worst. Perhaps she's not prepared to wait anymore, maybe she was wrong! Maybe!

**Daddy Daddy**

Kono's POV

Being back at work has given me a new lease on life, the confidence to move forward, to accept the things I can't change and the courage to change the things I can! Returning back to my office, I was unsure if it was still going to be mine, I just assumed Lori would get it. Turn's out no one was willing to admit that her loss was permenant on the team, it had been used as the get together room while she was away, a way for them to still be connected to her. The photo's she had hidden in her drawer were back on the table, apparently Steve had found them and was determined to make everything as it was. He was willing to talk more to her, he even approached her office making sure she was settling in. Part of me didn't like the attentive Steve, memories still refused to leave me. He would visit with me atleast once a day, go over paperwork or case file notes, only for a few minutes until he was called away. Lori undoubtedly had a crush on him, and although was not aware of our history was still able to not be too forward, but I knew. So I was able to manage to give them a wide birth.

**He's out your system, yeah it took you a while**

** You got your family back and you got your smile**

** And you promised yourself you'd never go back**

Surfing was still a release in the mornings, but had been replaced in the evening, with the need to let loose in other ways. I guess being undercover had rubbed of on me a little. The joy of dancing to loud music after a long day of tension in the workplace, was something I never thought I'd be needing, and yet every evening after work I'd find myself getting ready for another night dancing till the early hours. I didn't need to drink, the joy had always been the dancing. Not really looking for a pick up, although appreciating the odd close dance when the need arised after a particularly long day intermingled with close contact, thankfully He was still keeping his distance when cases were involved I was always companioned with Chin when the need arose. Today had been one of those days, I had overheard Danny talking about Steve and him going out and flirting with some beautiful ladies and how he had begged Steve to stay out longer. Lori listening in seeming to hang on every word. Steve sitting back in a confident relaxed position smiling at the memory. Yep, today was definately a night to dance, and maybe maybe let go a little more. I walk passed them smiled and wish them goodnight. Steve sat up straight, undoubtedly unaware I may of heard. Not that I cared right?

** And you try to remember that there's no way you could ever be friends.**

Resolute in my actions, He's out of my system, He is my boss, we are not friends. I head into the club, searching the darkest corner and find my spot for the night. I let the rthym take over me, the bass kicks in and I feel I'm somewhere else, someone else's life, I pretend I'm not me, I could be anyone here, I blend into my surroundings, close my eyes and breath, feel the release of all the pent up frustration of the day and let the music control my moves, my mood, my desire. I sense him before I see him. He's here in my club watching me, how he spotted me tucked in the corner I'll never know, he's right infront on me. Eyes hooded showing what? emotion? desire? regret?

**But now you're looking like you really like him, like him**

** And now your feeling like you miss him, miss him**

I step back, somehow flustered by his sudden appearance, he comes closer and descends on my lips with a kiss, the stunning realization has my eyes open, I catch my breath from the surprise I forgot how it feels to live in his lie. I try to step out of whatever this is, giving me room to breath and evaluate the impact of the kiss. Is he drunk? not that I can tell. He refuses to let go of my hips stating as much as his eyes roam my face, looking for something. a sign I'm still his? I'm still there? That I've waited? I find myself dancing still, the need to not stop and question this tonight, not to cause another outburst, not yet anyway. I places my arms around neck and dare him not to dance, after all that's what I came for. A smirk crosses his face and he accepts the challenge. Our dance is slow and close, very close. His need to pull me close is not lost on me.

**And now your dancing like you really need him, need him**

** You couldn't trust him, but you never said no**

** In that moment you may forget how it feel's when he's gone**

I try to talk, to question how, why he is here, did he follow me? He won't answer, his need is this, right now, nothing else.. well I'd hazard a guess where this could lead but I can stay strong right? I know where this leads to. More pain, more anguish. Until he opens up this is all he is getting and for now this is as much as I can give, an agreement that we were what we were, and that something is still there. Our eyes remain trained on eachother, reading eachothers minds hoping that we could clear up all our mistakes by doing this dance.He closes his eyes and leans his forehead on my shoulder, whispering "I'll never let go" wether it was to me, wether it mean't us or what we had remains unclear. I reply with only "I know, it's been so hard doing this" I feel tears starting to fall and know this is my cue to get away before I take a 'step back' . I make my excuses to head to the bathroom, showing him no signs of not returning, I offer him my bag as insurance. And leave.

**You're speaking like you really love him, love him**

** Put it in your pocket, don't tell anyone I gave ya**

** It'll be the one you run to the one that will save ya**

It never gets old escaping through a window in a ladies toilet, I knew he would be keeping an eye on all exits, the hope of the bag would give me atleast a few minutes before it triggered doubt in his mind. I have to leave my car due to key's in my bag, but that's fine, the one thing about Him is I know I can trust him to return my things. I walk back streets, choosing not to grab a cab, preferring to let the night air clear my head. Trying to compartmentalize what just happened... putting the memory away for safe keeping until a time it's required as comfort or proof. Not sure how long it took for me to return to the house. I see my bag at the door a note on it simply saying:

Kono,

I'm sorry I scared you. I scared myself,

seeing you there, I don't know what took over me.

It won't happen again if that is how you feel

Your Steve

**He kissed you on the lips and opened your eyes**

** You had to catch your breath, got such a surprise**

** He could be your daddy daddy if you take it gladly gladly**

Oh Crap! This obviously isn't going to be as easy as first thought. Feelings are starting to rise up again, not that i did the best job in the first place to bury them. What does it mean, He wants to try again? He want's possession of me? We may never know if he doesn't talk to me properly or for that matter if I can't cope to be more than 5 mins in a room without feeling the need to hyperventilate and run. I place the note in my pocket by my heart, not on purpose I don't think! I lie in bed, feeling like I'm missing something, his arms surround me, the smell of him returns to my room. I can't make myself take my top off, it's the last thing he was close to. I'm done for, there is obviously no cure for what I have, it's terminal! He's "My Steve" after all.


	9. Chapter 9

Authors notes:

Don't worry people I still have atleast 5 possibly 6 chapters left. Time and will allowing! After much trepidation, I'm going to attempt Steve's POV this time, don't mind telling you I'm a tad nervous. Well here goes nothing! Wish me luck.

**My Kind of Love**

Steve's POV

I admit I'm not the most patient of men, okay a slight understatment. I don't know what I was thinking when I went up to here on the dance floor. The idea that she thought I was moving on, flirting with other women, suddenly triggered something inside. I knew her local haunts, I'd managed to keep track of where she frequented, and after a couple of other places I found her. She may of been tucked away in the corner dancing with herself... but all I saw was her, illuminated, everyone and thing blended into the background. I couldn't stop my feet, my body moving to be directly infront of her. I wanted to say something, to express what I had been wanting to clear up for so long, but I could do nothing but stare, drink her in, my heart felt like it was breaking out of my chest. The only thing I could think of was to Kiss her, with every ounce of my being I put everything in that kiss, the past few months of silence between us. A confirmation in a way that I had not forgotton she was mine. I didn't want to stop, the awkwardness of it would then have to be delt with. She stepped back, stunned, her mind racing, I felt her kiss back though, I did, I am sure of it. I felt her breath catch as she tried to assess the situation, her body still moving to the music in the background. I find my hands possessively on her hips, refusing to let her go. Our eyes searching eachother looking for answers unknown. Her arms reach around my neck. I close my eyes slowly as a way of saying thanks and smile my gratitude of acceptance, atleast for a while longer. We are as one dancing, I draw her close to me, wanting to feel her touch, her heart beat, her breath. I forget how intoxicating her smell is. I rest my head on her shoulder mumbling to myself more than her "I'll never let go"... this is home, she is my lifeline. I hear her say "I know, it's been so hard doing this", two seperate conversations, both agreeing that we are missed, that we are loved. She straighten's and asks me to take care of bag as she use's the ladies room. Her smile reassures me, and I feel my grip loosen. I watch her head out, awaiting her return.

**I can't buy your love, don't even want to try.**

** Sometimes the truth won't make you happy, so I'm not going to lie.**

** But don't ever question if my heart beats only for you.**

After only minutes I realize she isn't returning tonight, and who can blame her. I've not made it easy for her, I've done everything to make her life impossible. And yet she still continued to stand by me, refusing to leave me. That is until tonight, the feeling of been left is definately crushing, and to think I have done that multiple times to her. I suck, why she didn't just throw a punch as I came in I'll never know. I look at her bag in my hand and smile, she stills loves me, cares for me, trusts me. She knows that I can forgive her for leaving me here. I step outside and see her car, I after all have the keys. I realize there is little point searching for her, I get that she needs space, I've confused her enough for one night. I go to her house, debating on wether to stay around and wait for her return. I decide not to, wether it's the fear of not knowing what she would do, or the concern in knowing what I would try to do. Neither of us was ready to jump back in, not yet. I scramble to find paper and decide to leave her a note... a note - this is what it has come to. My inability to talk, only actions, not neccessarily the best of actions either, freaking her out like that, always a good idea in re-building a relationship, well trying to.

Kono,

I'm sorry I scared you. I scared myself. Seeing you there, I don't know what took over me. It won't happen again if that is how you feel

Your Steve

I want to say so much more, but I'm unsure of what infact I can tell her, what she is willing to hear right now. I know a letter isn't enough, and at somepoint in order for us to be together, a discussion will needed to be had, if that is what she so desires, and if I haven't completly ruined all my chances!

**I know I'm far from perfect, nothing like your entourage**

** I can't grant you any wishes, I won't promises you stars.**

** But don't ever question if my heart beats only for you**

I stare at the letter on the bag, still unsure what to do. Trust. Faith. Hope, words I've been stuggling to believe in for a while. Word's I've been struggling to show her for even longer. I have to prove myself, I know that. The need to protect her is still there, but seeing what she has been dealing with and still trying to protect me at all costs I realize that we will always be better/safer together. I only hope that she will give me the chance to get her back. Time, space I can give her that or have I indeed given too much of it? I slowly step away from her porch refusing to loose contact of the bag and letter till I'm behind the wheel. Still I have to really pull myself together force myself to turn the key in the ignition and reverse out. I don't believe I've ever driven this slow in my life. I find myself looking for her on my drive home. I know I could find her in a heart beat, but realize that's not what she needs right now. For now I stare at faces in the street as I drive by. They all look like her though.

**I know sometimes I get angry, and I say what I don't mean.**

** I know I keep my heart protected, far away from my sleeve.**

** But don't ever question if my hearts beats only for you**

I walk around my home, how have I not noticed how quiet and empty it is? I see moments of Our history play out in rooms. Yelling, pleading, making up, laughing crying. Every room tells me a different story of my failure to listen to you, to let you in, to share with you my thoughts. The times I screwed up and you allowed me to get away with it, because you knew what it was really about. You are wise beyond your years that's for sure. Trying to find answers to question not yet asked, hoping for clarity before the night is over. I'm struggling to stay in my home, let alone head upstairs to bed. Sleep? What is that? I've not had a good nights sleep in a long time. Admitteding to myself how much I miss you is a step. To actually vocalize it out loud to the room. "Kono, what have I done?" I hear my voice break, I feel myself slide down the wall, and crumble to the ground.

**And when your crying out.**

** When you fall and then can't pick, you're heavy on the ground**

** When the friends you thought you had haven't stuck around**

I recall the moments I saw you race to bathroom at the office, knowing why you had gone there, wanting to take it away. Those times I lean't by the door and heard your tears fall. It's the least I could do, I deserved to carry that burden also, it was afterall my doing. I placed them there. I hated myself for what I did, what I turned you into to get by, to survive. And now, what right do I have to cry, this is my fault, all my doing, I brought this on myself. Why am I struggling to kept it together now. These memories you've left me with unknowingly, I was there, I was supporting you as best I as knew how. I was wrong, I know no matter what I thought was best, We, I, had abandoned you, left you to believe you were nothing but a criminal. I was so scared knowing how close we had been to shooting you. I was so angry, with myself, I had only you to direct it at. I saw the hurt in your eyes, the disappointment when you turned away at the office door. Needing to give yourself a day to take in the climax of months of betrayl and desceit on both sides. Worry that you'd never fully fit in again. You needn't of worried, the moment of clarity came in the interrogation room with Fryer "You underestimate Kono!" That's been my problem all along hasn't it? I haven't given you enough credit, at work, at home, our relationship.

**Cause when you've given up.**

** When no matter what you do it's never good enough.**

**When you never thought that it could ever get this tough,**

** That's when you feel my kind of love.**

At some point I've fallen into a sleepy haze, I find myself in the same crumpled heap by the wall, it's still early, barely dawn, I see my phone flashing, a message. A message from you.

Steve,

I want it to happen again, I want us to happen again. I'm scared it's too late though. Are you ready? Can you be honest with me? Can you let me in this time? If any of these questions are hard to answer then let me go. I can't do this again. The price is too high to pay.

Always have been Your Kono

I stand to my feet, eyes barely focusing at what I read infront of me. You've not given up on me, you want us. I'm not willing to wait another minute. With no hesitation in my mind, I know with out a shadow of a doubt the answer to all those question's a resounding 'YES' whatever it takes to prove to you, I'm indeed worth not giving up on. That I can be a better man, friend, boyfriend, partner, husband, father, I want all these things with you. For the first time in soo long, I see a glimpse into our future, an ephiany of what may be, and what could come to pass. I want it all.

I race to my car, no time to waste, whatever it takes, I'm not giving up this time, I can't, I won't fail you again.


	10. Chapter 10

Authors notes:

Struggled with this chapter... talk about aprehensive! Do I do seperate Pov' s or combine to conversations... still undecided now! Hoping the music will guide me as the other tracks did. Come on Steve, you can do it, Kono just wants to hear the right words is all. No pressure then ;)

**Tiger**

Steve's POV

** Hey there honey, you came along and stopped me running**

** I'm feeling like me, back on my feet, I'm a tiger...yeah!**

The short drive to Kono's seemed like a lifetime. Excuses for my behaviour replaying in my head, none of which seemed reasonable, none of which were excusable for what I had done, for who I had become. And yet your message gave me hope for forgiveness, a second/third/forth chance. I'm ready, I'm willing to to take whatever you have to give. No more running.

Your lights are out, I shouldn't be surprised it is still really early and your message had been a while ago. I should of noticed your message earlier, I should of called back immediately. Why didn't a call before I left? I couldn't think straight, all I could think about at that moment was seeing you, being with you, a hope to have you in my arms before the sunrises. A man can dream!

My heart drops, I guess the hope of you sitting on your front porch with a smile, was too much, too easy, and lets be honest not deserved. I walk around to the back. Ofcourse I should of known that's where you would be. On the hammock listening to the waves crash. The only way you could get a good nights sleep, when you had had a rough day, even when it was a cold night you'd plead to have the window open to sooth you. I didn't complain, gave me an excuse to bring you closer to me, to keep me warm.. Your asleep, I see my note in your hand and your phone in the other. I can't help but smile. My Kono, always My Kono, you look so small, wrapped up a blanket, it looks like you've being crying, tissues scattered around you. Damn it, I should of come sooner. I hesitate to know what to do, you never liked being woken, this is not the time to contend with Grouchy Kono, I smile. I decide to watch you sleep, giving myself a little time to formulate what I want to say, what I need to say, what I haven't said in so very long. It's easy to get distracted by your beauty, did you know how perfect you are when you sleep? So innocent, So unbelievably stunning, your hair cascading over your face. I love the way your nose twitches when your hair gets in the way, I chuckle quietly. You loved it when I said you reminded me of Samantha from Bewitched, after all she had been my first crush as a young man. For months when you were losing at a game or disagreement you would twitch you nose as a sign to get your way. It was a definate turn on, and you definately knew how to work it to your advantage!

You start to stir, my thoat turns dry and I feel my heart in my throat. It's time.

"Kono honey, it's me, I'm here." I say in a whisper.

Kono's Pov

** They say we're dreaming, but I swear we're awake**

** Are you sticking around?**

** Are you sticking around?**

I had the weirdest dream, memories of Steve flooding my mind, so vivid so wonderful, so perfect. We were so good together in those moments, he was so playful, so attentive, so kind, so gentle. Of course I'm only seeing the good stuff, but for the last few months, thats the only thing I had to keep my hopes alive, me alive. My eyes feel sore, must of cried myself to sleep again. I can smell him, it can't be from the top, and I recall I'm no longer in my room. I hear the wave's crashing, I stir slightly and here his voice. I'm scared to open my eyes for fear of it being a dream. For fear that he had disregarded my message and thought better of that kiss. I pray that it's not, that he is here, wanting to talk, wanting to make another go of things, wanting me, Oh please God, that he wants me, needs me, like I've always wanted him, needed him...please!

I feel a warm hand glide over my hair and rest on my cheek. I still refuse to believe it, keeping my eyes closed. "Steve is that really you?" my hand reaches to cover his. My eyes flutter open and focus on him leaning over me with a concerned look on his face.

"Yeah it's me, I got your message."

I smile, it's a good start. I sit up and make my way to the porch, he looks at me worried he's done something, I turn and look back "I sense we are going to need some coffee, we have a lot to discuss." He smiles and follows me to the door and watches as I put the coffee on, he doesn't come in, just waits quietly. Part of me feels like he's waiting for an invite. I choose to ignore it, part of me is still uncomfortable at the thought of him being in here just yet, and maybe that is what he is picking up on so chooses just to wait.

I bring out the coffee and sit on the steps, waiting for him to join me. Waiting for him to start, it should be him right? He finally came round and made a move to re-connect don't the rules say that he should then continue to do so? I sip my coffee and look ahead. I feel prompted to grab for his hand, a sign of support, of a willingness to listen and a promise of forgiveness?

Steve's Pov

** It's not everyday you get the feeling so brave,**

** not everyone has the chance to be saved.**

Her hand is warm on my own, almost burns me. Her eyes searching my own, clarifying to herself that it was indeed me, that I had come to try and salvage our relationship that I had ruined. She goes to get the coffee, I notice she's still wearing the top from the night before, she descretly places my note back in her pocket, a slight smile approaches my lips as I watch her unconsciously pat it. It also doesn't go unnoticed on me that she is wearing an old pair of my boxers. Which makes me falter as I follow her up to the back door. I stop at the door, like a barrier is stopping me from entering. I don't feel I can go in, not yet, she picks up on my insecurity and chooses to ignore it. Wise choice, I would'nt want me in there either. Afterall the last memory of me being in there wasn't paticularly great for either of us.

We are sitting on the steps, she is looking out to the ocean, waiting. Her warm hand descends on to my own, I know its my cue, I just need to think how to phrase all my feelings. This is my moment, she is willing to hear me out, willing to give me the 'olive branch'.

"Kono, I am sorry, sorry for leaving you the first time, sorry for coming back, taking advantage of you and then leaving you again. I'm sorry for not talking to you, telling you what was going on in my head, not mentioning my fears of losing you, not saying that I loved you every day, even when we fought. Sorry that I choose to distance myself from you rather than use the opportunity to become closer to you to let you inside to share my inner most thoughts. Sorry that I wasn't there to comfort you, console you, listen about your day, about your worries and insecurites. Sorry that I was so selfish, believing that I had the right to make the decisions in our relationship, and that I knew better."

I could feel myself getting lighter and lighter and as I mentioned all the things that I was aware of doing to her, at somepoint I had began to cry, and hadn't noticed until I felt a tickle down my cheeks. I couldn't stop though, I was too afraid that when I stopped she would tell me it was too late and that I was right and that it was unforgiveable so I continued.

"Kono, please believe me I wasn't thinking straight, I could only think of what had happened to my Mum and to Mary, I couldn't bare the thought of something happening to you, and as the days, weeks, passed, I saw how hard it was on you, I heard you cry in the bathroom, your eagerness to leave work and run away from me. I was relieved that you hated me that you couldn't be around me. I was so sure it was the best thing.

Seeing you at the Police Station, was a set back though, I didn't see it coming. The guilt of bringing you into all this after trying so hard to push you away and still you had been taken in, had your badge taken. All because of me. If you didn't already hate me then you would now, I thought. And yet when you looked at me that night all I saw was worry and I dared to believe something more, something that I didn't deserve.

When I heard that Wo Fat had caught you, but you had escaped and were able to tell us where to go, I realized how different that could of gone. Seeing you at the Harbour, wanting to yell at you to go home, but also being so overjoyed to see you, never thinking I'd see you again."

I am still looking ahead, trying to keep focus, trying to remember everything I have to apologise for to be honest about. My head hangs low, feeling so heavy resting on my shoulders, the weight of it all leaving and yet the guilt still weighing me down. What I have done to you? I feel you hand move to squeeze gently on my leg, encouraging me to continue, to let me know you are willing to hear me out without interrupting. I daren't look at you for fear of seeing you cry.

"I am so sorry for taking you in, for man handling you, for yelling at you and making you feel like a common criminal, I was so scared that again I hadn't been there for you, that we could of shot you. I wanted you to be scared, scared of me, I wanted you to know what you do to me. I was so glad Chin was around to take over, the fear of losing it on you for the first time in an interrogation and it being at the women I loved was appalling. I go over it in my mind, wondering if Chin hadn't of stopped me what I would of happened. That terrifies me. The things that I said there, still makes me feel sick, especially after everything came out just a few moments later. Fryer was right, ofcourse that's what you would do, family has always been you priority, it figures that would include us. I promise never to Underestimate you again. I promise to never take you for granted. I promise to never push you into anything."

I breath, I dare to look in your direction, and see your eyes welled up, a look of only compassion on your face, a relief of all of this out finally in the open, where it belonged. You take my hand and rest it against your cheek, as the your tears spill over it. I catch them and search your eyes for anger, contempt, frustration, disappointment. I see nothing but love..

Kono's POV

**Whenever you leave, all the colours fade,**

** So I'm here holding on, cause I'm tired of grey,**

** Are you sticking around?**

** Are you sticking around?**

My head is spinning, like a whirlwind is rushing through my mind, my memories, his memories of the past few months collide. He turns to look at me, his eyes glazed with fallen tears, so wide, so hopeful, so filled with love. I squeeze your hand and bring it to my cheek, an action to show my forgiveness. I kiss your palm and hold you hand, while reaching for your face with my other wiping your tears away.

"Steve, I've missed you so much, I knew the reasons for your distance. And loved you dispite myself for it. It was hard and crushing to do for so so long, but I understood. I knew I had to give you time and space to come to your own realisation. I hated it so much, seeing you trying to act normal, and it hurt me seeing you smile, no matter how many times I reassured myself that the light in your eyes was no longer there. I know that we can get through this, I want us to get through this. I know without a shadow of doubt we are supposed to be together, that we are better one rather 2 broken halves. I also know that we can't go back to the way it was. I can not, will not go through this again. You have to be sure you know what you want, what you are willing to sacrifice for this relationship. I want all of you, not just the brave, courages Navy Seal I want the unsure, uncertain, worried out of his mind, scared stiff one too. You have to understand and believe that some things are going to be out of control, and accept them. I love you Steve, that has never, will never change, but I need to know you are fully prepared to be in this relationship, that your not going to bolt if Wo Fat returns, which we both know he will. I need to know you are going to stick around and deal with whatever comes together, equally, side by side."

We're facing one another, my eyes searching his for understanding, that he's taking it all in and accepting things have to change, his hand stroking my own, his head nodding desperatly to appease my worries. Could this be happening, am I still asleep, I'd hoped for this outcome, if I just had a little more patience he would come round and realize the mistake he had made, but had this time arrived?

His head starts to come closer, he leans in to place his forehead against my own with a grateful smile, his hands come to the juncture of my neck, his eyes looking deep into my own. Searching for a sign to come in closer...

"I want this, truely I do, I've missed your kisses and more, our connection. That was never the issue though, our chemistry has never been an issue, and that kiss last night was just what the docotor ordered, believe me, I realize this sounds crazy, even now when I am saying it... but I want to wait, I want us to be sure that there is no going back. I need us to take the time to reacquaint ourselves with the relationship, to really date, spend time with one another.. we never really did that the first time around. We feel into it, and yes, it was easy, and yes, it was amazing, but within weeks we were full on living together, and it didn't work, maybe time spent just being with one another on a cerable level without the physicality may make us stronger. Can you do that for me? I'm not saying forever, trust me I can't wait that long! I just need to be sure this is what you really want, that this can truely be a healthy relationship for us both, that your willing to stop running and stick around."

I breath deep, my eyes close and breath him in, his forehead still against my own, his hands still warm against my skin, my own arms make there way to his neck, I open my eyes once more, and raise my head, looking at his soft adoring features.

"Steve McGarrett, I forgive you, I love you, I want you, this desperately, but those are my conditions, I can't do it any other way. Do you think that we have a slight hope in this working? I need to know. No more time wasting, we have wasted too much already. What's it to be?"

Steve's POV

** You build a plane, and I'll build a boat**

** If we drop all the silver, I swear we can float**

I've missed this, this closeness, this openess, this sincerity. For the first time in soo long I can breath, I can hope that I have'nt managed to lose everything I hold so dear. Your arms around my neck, your breath mingling with my own. Your strong desires to want us to be together, to allow me to woo you back, to be better, to show you what I can be capable of. I look at you in utter awe, how have I deserved someone like you, someone so willing to accept my flaws and call me on it and not want to run away.

"Yes, yes, oh Kono yes, whatever it takes. I love you so very much, and know that your forgiveness did'nt come easy, and I'm so grateful that you did. I understand the need to take it slow, ofcourse you need to, I need to prove myself, not only to you, but to myself. I get that you need to feel that I love you in other ways, I guess many times it seemed to be my answer to everything, if you were in doubt or needed reassurance the answer to me would always be found in the bedroom. And that is not altogether right, well it shouldn't be. I want to find other ways to be close to you, to find deeper connections, to let you know that I love you and that I want us forever, I see my future for the first time, and it's not terrifying anymore."

Both

**Wash out the glass and pop the Champagne, whenever I can I celebrate**

** Cause it's not everyday you gett he feeling so brave, not everyone has the chance to be saved**

Steve embrassed her, held her tight, to scared to let her go just yet, feeling his own heart trying to escape through his chest, while also hearing her sighs of relief. She pulled back from the embrasse, smiling, tears still falling freely.

"I'm so glad you came to find me last night, I'm sorry I ran, and scared you, you caught me off guard. But, I will be forever grateful for it, for you doing that, for claiming me back, for triggering my thoughts. I am so happy right now, I mean I know it's going to be weird and no doubt awkward, but for now, right now, were on the same page, which hasn't been the case for a long time." Her hand reached for his cheek once more and her lips kissed his other, lingered for a second and retreated. "I'm not saying we can't kiss, just thinking we should keep 'PG'!"

He lowered his own lips to hers and gave her a chaste kiss in return "Perhaps 'PG12' ?" he smiled.

Kono laughed and grabbed his hand as she stood "Perhaps!, We have a couple of hours till work, do you fancy a walk on the beach?"

"Can it be classed as our first official date? Not that I'm in a hurry, you understand?" He stood up and followed her towards the sunrise, a new day was dawning, a new start for them both.

...

**A/N: Sorry it took so long, writers block, busy couple of weeks at work, dog ate my homework - you know the usual excuses! Slightly different than the others but hopefully still ok.**

**More to come shortly-ish!**


	11. Chapter 11

Authors notes:

Sorry for delay.. still not entirely sure where I am going with this chapter, hoping it makes sense though. =/

This next chapter is set a few weeks later just before Korea and covering that. Hope it turns out ok, and you like it.

Thanks again for the support and reviews, your very kind!

x

**River**

Kono's Pov

** Wherever your standing I will be right by your side,**

** Through the good, through the bad,**

** I'll never be hard to find.**

It was hard to believe a few weeks had passed since the early dawn dicussions on my back porch, it seemed like a life time ago. So much was said and covered, feelings were once again admitted and accepted. Our relationship was back on track and it felt amazing, much better than it ever had before. I no longer worried how to phrase a concern or that I had to make sure I re-acted in a certain way. Steve was really trying to open up and share his thoughts and feelings. I knew it was hard for him to do so, and yet he could see how doing so brought us so much closer together, which in turn encouraged him to share more.

We've been spending almost every waking moment together, I guess we had a lot of time to make up after months of absence. Early morning surfs before work, grabbing breakfast for everyone as we headed in. Laughing together, sharing quiet moments on breaks, talking about little things, details never before mentioned. The air in the office was no longer thick with tense, emotion and judgement. Laughter & joking could be heard in corridors once more. Nothing Steve loved more was to see me laugh, and made it his soul purpose most days to seek me out and pounce!

I never thought that I could love him more, than I already did. Gifts would be left everywhere for me to find, infact for us both, it became a new 'thing' to hide them in obscure areas for the other to come across. Little momento's of past conversations, proof the other had been listening and had recalled the smallest of detail. Post it notes dotted around offices, cars, bike's, surf boards. Attention to small details, thrilled us both.

Evening's when not spent with the others or working late were spent together trying new things as well as loving the old stuff. It took a while for us both to feel comfortable in eachother's homes, a lot of the pain and hurt had occurred there afterall. We were both aware of eachothers anguish I guess. At Steve's it began with team BBQ's which in turn narrowed down to just the two of us out the back sharing a drink. Steve I think found it a little rougher to return to my home, he was more than happy to drop me off and pick me up for work, but it took a couple of weeks for him to actually come in, and that was only because I faked tripping on my carpet as I went through the front door! To see him race up the steps and enter to check if I was ok and see me burst into laughter for him to realize it was a set up. Thankfully I was already on the floor or I think he would of tackled me to it, as it was he set upon me and tickled me until I cried 'Mercy'!

Yep, things were propelling forwards, which is always a bad sign for us... The peace and drama free exsistence we had created came to an abrupt end sooner than expected!

...

**If your looking for a big adventure...**

"Kono, can I have a quick word?" Steve entered Kono's office with an apologetic look on his face.

"What have you done?" Motioning him to enter, with a wave of her hand and quizzical look.

"I can't make lunch today, I just got a call from Jenna, she's back on the Island and has asked me to meet up with her to dicuss something. I thought full disclosure would be the way to go... as well as sooorrrry?" Steve lean't over her table with bottom lip out for extra effect.

"She didn't wanna come and see the rest of us? Is she ok?" Kono smiled at her boyfriend, but also put on her own mock hurt face.

"She sounded like it was urgent, I may be able to sway her to come back with me after or perhaps meet us for drinks later to catch up." He smiled and pecked her on the cheek.

"Alright, I have to research Bethany Morris last few days, you would only of been a distraction anyway!" She winked.

"The best kind of distraction though right?" Reaching to place a kiss on her lips. "I'll bring you back something, K?" He headed towards the exit and waved, yelling to the others he was heading out and could be contacted on his phone.

Kono had lost sight of the time for a while, and barely heard her phone buzz... it was Steve.

"Hey, where are you, is Jenna ok, are you coming back soon, I've got to head to Maui with Chin in a while, was hoping to see you before I do."

"I need to talk to you, I'm downstairs in my car, can you pop down?" Steve's voice was low and not as upbeat as it had been on leaving.

Straight away Kono was on alert and heading for the doors "I'm on my way, are you ok? You sound serious."

He was leaning against his truck, deep in thought by the time she exited the building.

"Steve?" she walked up to him concern already written on her face. "What's wrong?"

He smiled at her, an attempt to put her mind at ease, and perhaps a little for himself. "Jenna's found her Fiance."

"That's great, she must be thrilled!"

"He's been taken hostage in North Korea."

"Korea?, North Korea? She's asked you to go hasn't she?" Kono's head went down as she put two and two together, the lunch was obviously a call for help.

"Yes, how do you know?" he asked as he raised her chin to look into her eyes.

"If my Fiance had been taken by some rebel faction, you would be the one I would call too." Her eyes looking sad a glassy, hoping not to show her concern and fears.

Steve looked deeply into her eyes "If your Fiance 'to be' had been taken hostage you'd be out of luck, although I hear Danny has moves!" he tried to smile, to lighten the mood.

"Fiance to be?" Her eyebrows shot up in surprise, in what he sugggested even, while still biting her lip, hoping she heard right.

"I know it's only been a few weeks since we got back on track, but I'm hoping you'll agree with me that we're heading in that direction, I know this is a rotton time, but perhaps we can discuss this when I get back?" With that he swept her up in his arms and kissed her with an intensity filled with hope of what could be. She didn't want it to end, her worries of what could possible happen, played heavily on her mind, but she knew he had to go. "Oh, how I love you Kono Kalakaua!" he sighed placing her back on her feet.

"Ditto, and you bet we're going to have that conversation on your return. So come back soon and ideally in pretty much the same condition you leave me in. I'm not going to pretend to love this idea, but I do understand, I know you would do it for any of us, which is one of the many reasons I love you so much Steve. How long do you think you will be?" Unwilling to release him just yet, she stayed tight in his embrace.

"Hopefully no more than 2-3 days, infact I said I would meet her in a couple of hours. We're flying under the radar as the government are not willing to admit there is a problem."

"Geez, It really is just the both of you. Crap, Maybe I should come..?" The seriousness of the situation magnifying by the second. In her mind thinking, she only just got him back.

"...NO! Please understand, this isn't because I'm protecting you or reverting back to 'Old Steve', just trust me, if I thought for just one minute I couldn't handle it, you would be the first person I would tell. It will be quick in and out, it's a negotiation, she has the money, there should be little to worry about." His forehead rested towards her own a sign of unity and support and hopefully and sense of calm.

"Other than it being in North Korea, where it's nigh on impossible to get in let alone get out." She was trying not to dampen his gung-ho-ness, but she was scared.

"Kono, lets not worry about that, I am good at what I do, I've trained and experienced it all before. Besides this time I have more of a reason to return!" Another kiss, slow and gentle. "I'm still looking forward to more PG12 moments to come!" he mumbled into her lips, which in turn made her smile and encourage the kiss all the more deeply. A trace of his tongure upon her lips, the taste of him to be kept stored in her memory until his return.

"Ok 'Fiance to be' you have a deal, I promise not to worry, you promise to come back in one piece and we get to have that talk! Deal?" her nose nudging his to conform to her agreement.

"Definately!, don't you have a flight to Maui to catch?" Neither of them wanting this particular moment to end, and yet knowing it was inevitable.

"Yeah... I guess I should let you go and pack. You be safe, you hear your 'Fiancee to be'?" Kono was certain the smile Steve sent her was one she had never seen before,

it radiated throughout his entire face, his eyes shone brighter than the noon day sun.

"Wow Kono!, you are so lucky we are in a public car park right now, and we are both needed elsewhere or I'd be dragging you to a nearby cave/bush to have my wicked way!" He whispered in a low groan of a voice, looking back into her eyes and winking. "Do you realize how cute you are when your concerned for my welfare, nevermind saying the last bit! Don't worry, I'll be thinking about you the whole time! I now need to give the good news to Danny, not sure he is going to take it well at all!" He smiles down at her while resting his hands on her cheeks. He feather kisses her on her forehead, cheeks, nose, chin and a smoldering one on her lips, they both head back into the office.

...

**If all you want are answers to your questions**

**If your looking for the right direction**

**Then darling look for me**

**I'll never be hard to find**

Kono's POV

It's official I'm panicking, our flight to Maui yelded worrying news of Jenna, which sent me into a nose dive of questions which none of us could answer. Chin as always tried to remain calm and positive, which helped somewhat. I knew her right? We trusted her, we all trusted her, that mean't something right? It had to, she wouldn't do anything to endanger us, I mean she saved Danny and helped us on numerous cases before she left, that couldn't of all been an elaborate cover. NO, I refuse to admit she has gone rogue.. but it was true to say things weren't adding up. I mean what was with the name change and telling us she was in Washington while hiding out in Maui? What made matters worse we hadn't heard anything from Steve, I knew he'd be out of contact once he hit North Korea, but we had hoped we could catch him before he crossed the border. I could only assume he had been dropped over the border directly.

It had been 10 hours since he left, and nothing, our research after Maui had left us with more questions. Danny had seeked Joe's help, even he seemed worried that Steve was in Korea, but couldn't really offer any insight. A few more hours had passed, no one had slept we just had spent the night sifting through what info we had when in the early dawn as we stood around the station table we finally got sign of life.

Jenna called very distressed, apologising over and over again, saying she had made a mistake and they were in trouble. Danny was amazing, remaining calm and trying to get as much info as possible, but the line went quiet. We managed to get a location. I allowed a small amount of relief to flood over me, before worry and concern reclaimed me. Jo had managed to get us a flight to Seoul, all of us knowing this was serious. I mean Steve did not, DID NOT want me there for this exact reason, if we get stuck, there is no way out. We were all agreed though, he wasn't coming back neither were we. It was quite moving to see us all on the tarmac.. we all had people we could lose, but all willing to take that risk for Him.

All I could think about on that flight was Him, and what he was going through, he had talked about some situations he had been through, but even I knew he never told me everything.. glossed over the worst parts. I hated to think what Wo Fat was doing... we had seen pictures of what he could do, which were currantly playing like a disturbing movie in my brain, terrifying me with there imagery. "Hold Steve, we're coming!", "Hold on for me, don't you leave me now!", "Be brave, stay strong!" all mantras whispering to whoever may be listen up there in the ether. "Please keep him safe, and protected as much as he can be." Tears silently falling down my face, Chin gripping my hand tighter on the flight as reassurance that things would pan out. Always my rock.

Time in the air went quick as plans were made, tactics and back ups were run through thoroughly. After much arguement on myside I surrendered and agreed that it was the best choice for me to be in South Korea monitoring the Sat as apparently I had the 'Magic Touch', I knew it was more Chin and Danny's fear of Steve finding out they let me come at all let alone all the way. Sure I was angry, but now wasn't the time to pick holes, and knew that I would probably wouldn't fully be in control of my emotions if I were to find him in anything but perfect condition.

We were ready, prepared for the worst - never, hoping for the best - always. "Just hold on Steve, were coming, I'm coming, look for me."

...

**See I can make the load much lighter,**

**I just need you to confide in me.**

**But if your too proud to follow rivers,**

**How you ever going to find the seas.**

Steve POV

It's fair to say that this is not how I expected my day to turn out, being hung by my wrists and being beatten, and tortured. I knew things had the possiblity to have gone sour, but seeing Jenna with a gun cocked at my head and then Wo Fat. Disappointment was an understatement. I tried to figure out how this could of happened, I had always rated myself as a good judge of character, admittedly recently that had been proven wrong a few times, ex-navy seals going rogue, the Govenor, even doubts of Kono... no, I never doubted her true worth, her alligence to 5.0, worried a little - sure, but always in the back of my mind I knew that she had a reason, and that she was still on my side.

Now Jenna, I look at her as she is dragged into the room, hysterical, whimpering, a shell of someone I thought I knew. They leave us alone, I need to know, I need her to tell me herself, what I assume can be the only reason. My fears are confirmed, he targetted her to get to me. Even hung up in agony, I feel compassion for her. Sorrow on her face, a hope that he was alive. Perhaps if the shoe was on the other foot, if it was Kono would I do the same, knowing the outcome, I'd sacrifice myself. I want to tell her, she should of just told me, I would of still taken the chance, I may of been more prepared and been able to save us all.

Hours pass, Wo Fat is insistant that I know about Shelbourne, and persists in torturing me with all methods at his hand. I hear Jenna whimper, her own torture, hearing me scream and cry in agony. I realise, the harder the punches, the more impatient Wo Fat becomes, it comes across as desperation, which makes me realise he knows nothing either, and a smile returns to my face. Soon to be wiped off, but none the less, he has shown his cards. Someone comes to the door, a satelite phone has been found. I look to Jenna, knowing that her last ditch attempt of redemption after seeing her dead Fiance was to call for help, she nods, knowing what is to happen next and throws me something by my feet. "It wasn't for nothing." Wo Fat goes to her point blank and she's gone, falls like a rag doll. Although I knew it was likely, seeing something like that still shocks, like a candle being blown out, like it was nothing, like she was nothing to him. He comes to me. I'm stunned, but managed to rage at him that he is dead. He leaves to get ready to move me to a safer place.

Giving me seconds to escape, my body aches as I bring the metal nail to my hands, a couple of ribs bruised if not broken constrict and cause me to gasp, but knowing that it is just a matter of time until that could be me, I have to leave my own pain out of the equation. I check on Jenna before I leave, close her eyes, take her necklace, show her forgiveness, and compassion one last time.

I managed minutes before being cornered and stuffed in a truck heading who knows where. I'm exhausted, semi - conscious, trying to hear what is said around me. I hear noises, gun fire I think. I may be delirious as at one point when silence returns I see Danny lifting the truck flap. Can it be? "Danny?" There here. Chin and Danny grab me and bundle me onto an old relic of helicoptor, if I wasn't so exhausted and in pain I would of joked it may be safer to walk! I look around a see a few familiar faces, part of me is relieved I don't see Kono, a need to ask where she is, but worried I may not like the answer. Was it too much for her? Did she just bolt, no longer being able to cope with my crazy antics? I mean who could blame her right? Then I hear Lori on the headset talking to someone. "Yeah, we have him. He's banged up, but he's good. We'll be with you shortly. Here I'll put him on. Steve, someone wants to talk to you."

...

**Wherever your standing I will be right by your side,**

**Through the good, through the bad,**

**I'll never be hard to find.**

"Hello?" I can't hear well with the sound of the rotor blades above, and I guess my voice isn't much help, very croaky.

"Steve? Steve it's me Kono, can you hear me?" Her voice keeps cutting out, the signal isn't strong but I hear enough to bring a smile to my face, to know that it's her.

"Kono, I'm soo glad to hear your voice." Relief washes over me, her voice alone calms me down, knowing that things are going to be ok.

"Your glad to hear my voice? I swear your never leaving my side again!" Her voice breaking at the relief of hearing him.

"Guys! We're coming into land." Lori breaks in.

I can see Kono at the landing point, anxiously waiting, Chin and Danny aide me to her. They mention to her she has a few minutes to patch me up till we have to get our connection in Seoul. Im placed on a make shift cot, I refuse to lie, only because I doubt I'd be able to get back up. Her eyes are glassy, trying to remain calm and not freak out at the sight infront of her.

"I know I look bad, but I'm ok, I'm going to be fine." Comforting words even though I feel passing out may be an option anytime now.

"That's for me to decide right now, ok, ok let me assess you. Ribs?"

"Bruised, definately, broken possibly" I try to say with a smile, until she touches them, and I let out a groan.

"Uhuh? I'm going for the latter, Geez Steve, you never thought your were in the wrong occupation?" Kono tries to smile, aware of how much worse this situation could of been?

"I would of missed out on meeting the women of my dreams in any other occuption!" I try to wince and smile at the same time, yep, that's a handsome look!

"Smooth, you must me delirious! You know this is one of the things we are going to have to talk about right, I want to know, I need to know." Kono's voice is broken, her calm faultering. His hand grazes her face and smile. "I know, we will, I promise, just lets get out of here first. I can't talk about it yet, but I will."

"I think it's my turn to take care of you for a while, no more action adventures, cliff walking, North Shore surfing, your luck needs time to replenish I think!" She replies as she gently wipes the blood from his face . Her eyes focused on his, knowing glances between them, no more words required to be spoken for now.

"We're ready! We need to ship out buddy! It's good to see you both looking a little better... I don't know who was looking rougher at one point!" Danny and Chin raise him up as Kono places a hand on his back to follow him out.

"Time to go home Cuz, it's been a long week." Chin grabs her other hand to leave.

...

**So follow me, I'll be your river river**

**I'll do the running for ya.**

**Follow me I'll be your river river**

**I'll move the Mountains for ya,**

**I'm here to keep you floating,**

**I'll be your river river**

**I'll lead you to the sea**

**Author's Notes:**

**Sorry this took so long... didn't know how to do it, then i got confused by time oahu - maui approx 14 mins flight . oahu to seoul 8 hours then there is the 19 hours time difference urgh! I admit to not exactly keeping it to the ep, figured Lori's hug didnt need to be mention, I like, but it felt awkward.. did like the idea of Kono on the headset though =)**

**Hope it wasnt so bad!**

**Hopefully wont be so long with the next!**


	12. Chapter 12

Authors notes:

Once more apologies for the delay, 70 hour weeks give me little time to stop and think about a story outline - that's not to say I don't day dream when I can! I know what I want to say, just want to find the right words to make them sound natural.

As always thanks for all those reading and for the patient few who review, you are so kind and lovely. It warms my heart to hear your generous & positive notes. Hope I don't let you down with this chapter.

Here goes nothing, wish me luck!

**Where I Sleep**

Kono's POV

** There's nothing I won't steal or borrow,**

** I'll travel on a boat or areoplane,**

** I'll explore a world of sorrow,**

** 'cause when I find you I know,**

** I know I'm a gonna be okay.**

I could tell the ride to the airport hanger was uncomfortable for him, every bump in the road a grimmace was offered up and slight moan. You just know that when he moans or winces that it is just the tip of the iceberg. Mere mortals would no doubt of passed out a long time ago, but i've known he is no ordinary man for quite some time now. Ofcourse I can't just fall completely and madly in love with the guy next door, nope he has to bring something different to the plate.. the inability to recognize pain, the knowledge of always being right, the need to protect everyone to the detriment of his own safety, his stubborness, his ability to detach himself from a disagreement, his willingness to sacrifice his own happiness, and mine to keep me safe... the list is endless, and yes some of them cause me certain grievances, worries, concerns still. But would I have him any other way?

"Stop worrying! You know I can see it in your eyes, I'm ok, you found me, we're going home. I won't be doing this again in a hurry!" He smiles trying to radiate a comforting feeling for me.

I smirk "...don't make statements you have no intentions of even trying to keep, ... Husband - to be of mine" I whisper so as not to alert the others of our possible upcoming nuptials.

His eyes go wide, partly in surprise, partly in pain due to said surprise. I cringe and shrug a silent apology. He grasps my hand and brings it to his lips, whispering into them so only we can hear. "Mrs Kono McGarrett definately feels wonderful rolling off my tongue!" his eye's gazing into mine with a look that makes me feel weak as I catch my own breath with a gasp.

"You do realize I'm rather fond of 'Kalakawa' right? I mean in professional circles and all?" I breathlessly reply.

His face is quizical wondering if I'm joking or serious.

"Look it's not important right now." I graze a hand to his cheek trying to swerve the conversation elsewhere, it's not something he has to worry about for a while, well not today, this moment. "Your right, we are all safe and soon to be home back on Hawaiian Soil, the rest we can figure out later, when you have been given a full medical evaluation."

"Son, lets you get you on this plane and back home shall we?" Joe turns from the front seat to look at Steve. For a brief moment I see him as a young boy looking at a father figure in awe and love, it leaves a lump in my throat knowing that deep inside that is who he is. For so long he has had to deal with so much pain and sorrow on his own, to have Joe here as a force of good in his life at this time has undoubtedly been a positive thing. To see Steve in this light has been a blessing in our relationship, and I for one will be forever grateful to Joe for helping Steve realize that no matter what journey you are on, to have someone with you is all you need. I worry that his time captive in Korea hasn't set him back, I'm hoping that he will be able open up with me about what happened. He nods and I raise from my seat along with the others to aid him to the plane.

**There's nowhere that I wouldn't follow,**

** There's nothing that I won't do for your kiss,**

** I'll love you like there's not tomorrow,**

** 'cause nothing never felt like this.**

We're finally up in the sky, he's fading in and out, desperate to stay awake, but fighting exhaustion all the way! His head leaning against the window looking out, knowing him with regret and guilt of the outcome. His eyes close momentarily no doubt in rememberence of Jenna.

"I've been told that my shoulder is way more comfy than a window to lean on." A whisper on my lips as my hand runs through his hair, he tenses for a second then breathes out slowly, closing his eyes only to return my gaze with a sad, tired smile and leans against me.

"It's a long flight home Steve, I'm not going anywhere, I am at your disposal for the whole journey. Just relax, let me take care of you for a change, you've done enough for a while. I love you even when your tired and monosyllabic, I love you when you smell of the jungle, I love you when my heart is in my throat praying for your safety, I love you in the depths of my deepest fears, Your it for me, nothing can compensate my feelings that I have for you, You are never going to get rid of me, I will follow you to the ends of the earth... " My hand still in his hair twirling the tight curls at the back, knowing how it relax's him, my other hand in his on my lap, making small circles in his palm, all of my relaxing techniques to lul him into a sleep. My lips rest on his forehead murmuring words of love, of comfort, of dreams for our future.

"...I can't wait to build my future with you. It's all I've been thinking about these past 2 days, who am I kidding, since the day I met you. I see us growing old with our children, grand children, great grand children all around us. I know there's still a small part of you who struggles to believe that you doing right by me, but you are Steve, without you I was so empty, I'll do anything not to feel like that again. Your it for me."

"I love you Kono Kalakawa" a quiet mumble as he finally relax's under my ministrations.

At somepoint I must of dropped asleep, as I wake to find him shaking his head and mumbling. "No, No, No, You sick son..."

"Steve, Steve honey, Steve, your okay, your just dreaming, your here with me, it's okay, things are going to be okay!" I don't notice the tears rolling down my face or the tone of panic in my voice as my hands reach to his face to bring him back to me. His eye's open wide staring at me in confusion, panic and then a blink and calm once more.

"Kono, I'm sorry." His hands raises to wipes the tears from my chin, and it stays there to to keep my focus on him, wether for him or for me, I don't care, our needs are the same, to know the other is okay.

"You have nothing to apologise for, do you hear me, absolutely nothing!" My voice coming out more sterner than I anticipated. "Are you okay, are you in pain, do you need me to get you some more painkillers or a drink? Tell me what you need?"

"Just you, here, with me, in my arms. That's all the medicine I need right now." He brings my lips down to his, and kisses me hard, a need to erase all thoughts of whats been. I'm only to glad to help. Afterall he's not the only one that needs this, this closeness, this need, confirmation that we are here together. I bring the blanket up to cover us both, not that we don't have privacy - everyone is to whacked out to notice us right now. All the same the need to be alone in our own little bubble wether it is just under a blanket is just too great.

He raises an eye brow at my action with a glint in his eye. "Steve" I say in a low warning voice "no matter how much I want to do more than kiss you right now, your in no condition to, and I for one don't want to prolong your ailments! So for now PG13."

"For now!" He confirms and claims my lips once more, until we are in eachothers arms once more asleep.

**See the times are changing,**

** And I am sure of nothing, that I know,**

** Except this is us, and this is Love,**

** And this is where I am home.**

I wake to the landing gear coming down, I find myself with my head on his lap, with him resting against my legs just staring at me, gently stroking me hair. "I thought you were supposed to be resting not me!" I yawn

"I was, then I woke to find this stunning beauty asleep on my lap and I found myself transfixed!" A shy smile briefly makes an appearance on his face.

"Transfixed hey? You must of been disappointed when she left and I turned up in her place!" I stifle another yawn and grin at him. I try to raise myself up, sure the position I'm in can't be that confortable for him.

"Don't you dare move, do you know how long it's been since you've slept with me, since I've seen you sleep? I used to watch you sleep all the time, you have such a calmness to your face when you sleep, it radiates to me, I feel it, it's soo soothing. I don't want to wait any longer, I don't think I can Kono. I need you home, I know your worried, that this may send me on a downward spiral once more. It won't, I promise, I know without you I can't focus, I can't think clearly. Lets get married, be my wife, be my companion, be my shoulder to lean on, my cornerstone. Kono, you are the only thing in this crazy life I lead that makes sense, that centers me, I know Danny likes think that he is my Zen Master, but it's you, it's always been you. Will you marry me, forsaking all others, for as longs as we both shall live?"

"...and beyond, Steve, you don't even have to ask, it's all I've been able to think about since the moment you proposed outside the office, well I say propose, there was no ring, I recall, it was more of a suggestion rather, possibly by me!"

"That's a yes? Am taking it as a yes... I'd offer to get down on bended knee here, but I'd need help getting back up!"

I raise up slowly so as not to cause any more damage to his fragile state and carefully hold his face in my hands and punctuating every word with a kiss to his bumps, bruises, cuts & lips. "Steve. McGarrett. I. Would. Be. Honoured. To. Be. Your. Wife. How's tomorrow looking for you, anything planned or scheduled?"

He pretends to recall upcoming appointments and looks back at me "Nope, just marrying the only women I've ever loved. Well not including my Mum and Mary orcourse!"

I can not hide my smile, it refuses to leave my face. We've landed and movement around the plan begins, Chin, Danny and Joe walk to us offering assisstance.

"You guys done making out in the back seats, or do you need more time?" "Another lap around the island perhaps?" Chin and Danny both chip in.

"Nope, we are good, well not good, one of us needs to go to the hospital, the other has a wedding to plan!" I say with a sly grin.

"I'm sorry? I think my ears are still popping, could of sworn you said a wedding to plan?" Danny says while banging his ears to knock water or something out.

"You heard right Danny, Kono has finally decided to make an honest man out of me, tomorrow!" Steve's arms lean heavily around Kono's shoulders, as aide, support, until Chin see's him wince and Kono buckle slightly. "I've got you buddy, don't want to crush your wife to be, save that for the wedding night." He winks at Steve!

"Oh no! He's going to be out of action for sometime, trust me. We may be getting married tomorrow, and I'll be moving my stuff back in tonight but until the dr's give him a full bill of health, I'll be in the guest room!" I half joke and wink at Chin, knowing that my fiance behind me has no doubt got a crest fallen face. I turn around and give him a chaste kiss and walk off allowing the boys to get him off the plane.

**I'm from a generation undecided,**

** I'm restless and I can't help changing things,**

** But in all the noise and the excitement,**

** Your love is all that will remain.**

I stand pacing the hosptial corridor biting my nails, waiting for news. I know that he's ok, that it's all hopefully just superficial, but none the less the worry that it's been over an hour doesn't help. Danny is not doing much better, I think Joe is thinking about knocking him out at one point just to ease the tension in the waiting room. Chin as usual quiet and stoic sitting in the corner, occassionally taking a worried glance at me. I try a firm smile of appreciation to put him at ease, but he knows I'm struggling to comprehend all that has happened the past 48 hours. It's times like this you have time to reflect on what could of easily been. Not just this chapter of our lives, but the past few months. How so easily things could of been different, how our lives have been pulled apart, only to come back together stronger than ever. Only weeks ago I was ready and willing to accept my lot and move on in a new direction. Leave behind this man, this incredible man, this man who I am looking forward to build my world around, who I have built my world around. How clear that memory is in my mind, that decision to accpet that it was time, that he no longer wanted a life with me and that I was okay with it. How could I ever of got that close? I feel myself shaking, look what this man has done to me, the effect he has on me. I feel strong arms surround me, Chin calmly whispering to me "I've got you, come sit down, he'll be out soon." Oh Chin, what would I do without you in my life, always there as a shoulder to lean on support when I need and often when I don't. "I'm sorry Chin, I thought I was fine, it's just.. it's just..." I sniffle.

"I know, it's been a long week for us all, and you don't give yourself enough credit, you are an exceptional woman. Don't go beating yourself up about something out of your control. He's fine, you know it, we all do. He'll be back to being reckless in no time!" He chuckles.

"Not if I can help it! Oh heck! Like I have that kinda of power." Now I'm dryly chuckling to myself, recalling how impossible in the past it's been to get him to take a day off when he's broken a bone or had concussion.

"Those marriage vows may come in use, they are legally binding I hear!... the whole obeying thing may help you now!" He is doing his best to lighten my mood, and it's helping, mind you he has had years of practice getting me out of ruts and encouraging me to see the positive side. I kiss his cheek and rest my head on his shoulder. "I am so blessed to have you as a cousin, don't tell the others, but your definately my favourite one."

"With so many to choose from, I feel quite honoured!" he winks.

There is a swinging of doors and the invalid looking slightly irritated and embarrassed being wheeled by a male nurse. "I did mention I could walk, but hospital policy!" He raises quote fingers and rolls his eyes. I rise to walk to him and kneel before him checking every part of him, making sure all is well.

"What did they say? Any internal bleeding? RIbs? Concussion? Are you sure you should be released?" Danny is now pacing infront of him sweeping his hair back every 5 seconds, obviously thinking he knows more than the doctors. Reading our minds he says "Hey when it comes to you and your stubborness I think I have a degree! Im sure you didn't let them know the half of your ailments!".

Not taking his eyes off me he speaks in a sardonic voice "Danny, I'm good, nothing that a warm shower, fresh clothes and being in my own bed won't solve." My eyes won't release from his, he nods to me letting me know to relax. I nod and raise up, he grabs my hands "I'm good Kono, lets go home." he kisses them and tries to stand.

"No you don't, stay where you are babe. I got this, thanks!" He says nodding to the nurse he takes over the wheelchair and grabs Steve's shoulders to place him back in the chair. "My turn to drive I think!" he smirks and wheels him out. With Steve's hand in mine we make our way out of the hospital. Steve looks back. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be back again in no time!" Danny jokes. "Too soon?" he looks me and I nod. Chin and Joe both offering an icy glare in his direction. Steve smiles "Oh it's good to be back!"

**I said all my goodbyes to ego,**

** I gambled all I got, there's no plan B,**

** It's the first time that I've learned to let go,**

** It's the only place I feel like me.**

After a quick pit stop at mine to grab some clothes we all head back to Steve's, no one in a particular rush to get back to their own lives. All aware how close it had been to losing part of our family, hell, we did lose someone. I try to be angry at Jenna, but I just can't, I know we will both struggle with this for a while. On entering his house, our house... it feels weird being here, knowing that this time it's not just for the evening. This time we won't just be living seperate lives in a shell of a house. We both know that it won't work. We are both determined to make this a home. I feel it, I feel a peace come over me. I go into auto pilot, going upstairs preparing his room, placing my things in the guest room. I see memories float by of both happy and sad times. I place my toiletries in the bathroom and recall us in the bathroom brushing our teeth, or me watching him shave, everyday things I had taken for granted, that I have dearly missed, that I get back. My heart leaps. I let go of all my fears, my worries, I see my face in the bathroom mirror become visably calmer. I'm home, where I need to be, where I want to be, with the man I Love.

"What you doing up there? I can't believe he would of left it in that much of a state, he's a flaming neat freak for goodness sake!" Danny yells up exasperated. I smile at myself and head downstairs. The boys look at me as I makemy way into the the living room. "So what did I miss?" I sigh, grabbing a bottle from the table and taking a seat by Steve who grabs my free hand and rests it on his lap incased in his own. "Danny's just being Danny as usual, over dramatising... making the whole experience sound more like a scene from The Great Escape!"

"Hey! People have often mentioned my likeness to Steve McQueen I'll have you know!"

"What short sighted people?" Chin mocks. Oh it's so good to hear laughter in this house, with these people. "Hey! I expect it from him, but you Chin, really? that hurts!" Danny looks offended, yep just another evening with the gang.

After a while Joe glances at Steve and makes a point of rising to his feet and in turn Chin does too. Danny being the only one not taking the hint. "Here let me help you up old man." Chin grabs Danny and begins to head to the door.

"What we're going? Okay, but I'll be back tomorrow to check in on your, besides we have to get you both to the courthouse without incident, maybe it's not to late to get the seals back to help us!"

"Night Danny!" Both Steve and I sigh. "Hey Guys, seriously, thanks. You didn't have to, but I am so grateful you did. I owe you big time." Steve's sudden serious note brings us all to attention.

"That sound like an offer of paperwork duty to me!" Danny mentions and we all smile.

The door closes, and it's just us, atlast. Where it all began, I bite my lip, suddenly all to aware of myself.

"Don't!" Steve looks at me and smiles.

"Don't what?" I pretend to look innocent.

"Let's go to bed!" He raises an eyebrow and smiles. "Your gonna have to give me a hand though, I feeling a little stiff right now.

"STEVE!" I gasp.

"You know what I mean't, don't get me wrong, give me a few days for these aches a pains to deminsh and I'll be on top form, but right now I need a shower and bed!"

"Do you want me to get the boys back to help you in the shower?"

"NO! Women, can you imagine? NO! I'll be okay, and if not I'll call you." He winks "Now help me up the stairs Women!" he raises his hands in front of himself waiting for me to drag him off the sofa.

"Yes Commander!" I roll my eyes place my feet by his and pull. "So this is how it's gonna be huh? you gonna be bossy at home and at work, cause I'm not sure that's going to work for me."

"Oh really, I think it's going to be amazing. Someone at my beck and call 24/7 isn't that what a wife is afterall?" he smiles as I gently push him up the stairs.

**In a world that's breaking,**

** Where nothing is for keeps,**

** Oh, this is us, this is love**

** And this is where I sleep**

I finally have him lying on his bed in his pj's, looking completely shattered. And little help was required here and there, but nothing to difficult to cope with. I sit on the side of the bed just looking at him, taking him in, every crease, every bruise, cut, wrinkle. My hands slides to his face and glides over his forehead and cheek. I feel my eyes stinging once more with unshed tears. His hands grasps mine and lays kisses on it. "Kono Kalakawa, will you do me the honour of being my wife tomorrow? but before that will you just stay with me tonight, I don't think I want to let you go. I don't think I can." He shakes my hand in his, mock trying to release me.. "Nope, see it's stuck!"

"Steve..."

"Just lay with me, that's all, talk with me, I'm not sure if I will be able to sleep on my own."

"I was going say... there is nothing I would love more right this moment. I don't think I could leave your side if i tried."

I lay down facing him, my hand still in his and resting on his lips. And we just lay silently for awhile drinking eachother in. My spare hand reaches for his chest, the feel of his heart beat bringing so much comfort to me. He winces slightly, both of us forgetting the scars of hours of torture rained down on him, my eyes raise in horror. He shakes his head and places my hand back on there with his own, knowing what I need.

"It's okay baby, I'm good."

Silent tears run down my face, grateful for having him back. "Steve, I love you so much, when I thought that I'd never see you again. I knew I wouldn't survive without you. You can't do that to me again. I know I said I was okay about it, and I understand that it's who you are, and I love you for it, but I don't think I can go through those feelings again." My voice cracks and my face turns into the pillow to hide my sobs. I feel his hands on my head, on my back, willing me to look at him to come closer. There's nothing I want more that to be in his arms, but I know that he's in no state. I hear his gently shushes and his lips descend on my head in my hair, by ear bringing me to calm.

"I know baby, we're going to be just fine Kono, you'll see. Your so strong, I know you like to show your strength, but it's ok to be worried, our jobs aren't your everyday jobs, and we are going to get into scrapes. You don't think my heart stops every time I see you run into gun fire, but we both know we are competant and have a great team behind us. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you, you know that right? I promise to scale down my reckless behaviour, and I promise to let you in to my own worries and concerns. I love you soo much and will do anything to keep you safe and with me. I'm not making the same mistake again. Now sleep, there's plently of time to talk I promise."

I raise my face from the pillow and wipe my nose and reach into a kiss, a soft, slow kiss, filled with so much more than love, so much want and need. "Oh Husband to be of mine." I groan resting my forehead against his.. "You have a way with words, and I love every single part of you for it."

**This is us, this is love and this is where I sleep...**

**Author's notes:**

**So sorry it took so darn long, had a different song in my mind and it just wasn't gelling until I heard this in my car and it all fell kinda into place. Hope it doesn't suck to bad.**

**Hopefully won't be too long till the next chapter.. not entirely sure where im going, have 3 songs left ... by the looks of it, it may get fluffier - be warned!**

**Much love to all the patient readers... If your anything like me the McKono fic draught we've be having, has almost been as depressing as the show being of air.. not long now - well 2 months =D**


End file.
